Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Here Doggie Doggie

You may have seen this recent article where the Umlaut has much to say on Father, myself, and her fucking dog. Needless to say, the Umlaut is incorrect on almost all accounts. It makes me wonder if that One Ring I forged is on the fritz.

Anyway, let me correct the record.

First, I am no one's stepson. Other than being my father's son, I belong to no one, especially someone who loudly claps at traffic lights when they change colors.

"Oohhh! It changed a color! Does that one mean never stop? How do it know?"

Secondly, as to the cutesy note about how I give her dog blueberries, may I remind you that this mutt got a freaking Dolce & Gabbana collar to wear down the aisle. You know what she tried to give me? Take a look:GUH. This is the kind of depressing outfit that even Marshall's refuses to sell out of respect for their impoverished customers' dignity. Luckily I had a backup suit - of the birthday variety - that I morphed into a sweet Armani number that really accentuated my calves. Oh you didn't know I could morph my skin? Good God people. You are going to make me work when I am ruler of all, aren't you?

Anyway, yes I give her precious little whore dog blueberries first. It makes the milkbones soaked in ricin go down faster. One problem is that the sound of the milkbone box opening means they both come running. It seems after years of consuming nothing but men's genitals, the Umlaut's palette is well... less than discriminating. What I'm trying to say is she is a she-goat.

Finally, you my have noticed that I have yet to determine what the Umlaut will be called in relation to me. "StepMom" does not work. This is your opportunity to greatly please me - your future King of Kings - by voting for which title the Umlaut shall have in the comment section.


If you can do better, please suggest your own. If you DO come up with something better, I will be impressed and then smite you down for your arrogance and insolence. So there's that.

Growth Note: My sneezes create parallel universes.