Friday, February 27, 2009

Thank God I Forged a "One Ring"

Back in my earlier, womb-ier days I dedicated myself to relentless self-improvement, education, and keeping my rotator cuffs well oiled (they are bio-hydraulic). In short, I was very busy - so busy that at one point I even made a list. Hence, I did not leave much time for personal projects. It's not like I had 20% of my time to dedicate to areas of selfish interest. I'm not fucking Google, you know.

But now is as good as time as any to mention that I did spend a few minutes engaged in a hobby of mine -and thank God I did, because it seems my greatest fear came to pass yesterday. So yeah, with a few seconds of pre-natal down-time, I went and forged a One Ring.

One Ring to rule them all. Or in this case, the Umlaut.

I'm not even sure why I forged it. It was really for a lark. I thought just in case I ever got hitched to Shiloh or one of the other Pitt-Jolie litter, I'd be all set. I never imagined I would have to use it to save my own family. So now, this new Ring of Power - forged in the molten fires of Mother's womb (after a bad burrito), will be employed to save the world and father (same thing) from a gathering, drooling, wallet-stealing darkness. When she wears it, I will be able to control her, find her, and ultimately destroy her. Just like any new stepson would.

After I heard the rumors of engagement, I found my One Ring and quickly engraved its eternal spell:

Silly me, I need to translate it for you, for I doubt any of the discriminating readers of this site read Waifish:

One ring to rule her fall, one ring to find her, one ring to bring her from the mall, and in the darkness bind her and kick her in the ribs.

I feel a bit guilty for having convinced Father to give the Umlaut a ring as a sign of truce and peace between her and I. But there are greater, more globally significant issues at stake that demand intervention. Like having to watch your "stepmum" snort 3 crushed up Cheerios and calling it 'breakfast.'

(Growth Note: I can look at my wrist and tell the time - without even wearing a watch)

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