Today millions of Americans on business travel will walk out of their messy hotel rooms; perhaps hurried and late for an early morning corporate plenary session, maybe wildly hungover in search of spoiled honeydew and cantaloupe, or just still 100% drunk and fleeing the anticipated arrival of law enforcement and the lifeless escort in their room. Whatever the reason, it is then that they will trip over today's USA Today and literally fall to the floor coming face to face with the truth: Father is the Best Dressed Man in the Entire World. Let me take a moment to respond to this: No Shit Sherlock. The list comes from Esquire Magazine, and USA Today reports:
He's lauded for his "All-American Kennedy-clan suits," which clasp his yummy form like a well-fitting pair of football pants. Adding to his cachet: a supermodel girlfriend, Gisele Bundchen, on his arm. Not subtracting from his cachet: Being baby-daddy to his pregnant ex-girlfriend, actress Bridget Moynahan.
"He's managed to learn to keep it simple. He's got a tailor who makes his clothes fit really well, and he always looks like he's put a little thought into" his dress, says associate editor Richard Dorment, who helped put the list together. "I am honored to be chosen," Brady said in an e-mail statement to USA TODAY. "But, as much as I enjoy dressing fashionably, this time of year I care a lot more about how I look on the field than off it."
This confirms so many things, chiefly that the Umlaut is considered by Father to be no more than an accessory. I'm guessing she is somewhere above an unused wallet chain and below a Livestrong Bracelet.
If you look into his eyes for more than 12 seconds,
you are immediately three months pregnant.
Soon so much attention will be placed on me, it's nice to see Father garner some honors for once. If nothing else, he firmly establishes himself as a role model for every sentient creature in the universe. He's done it before you know; let me share a tale. One day after throwing 500 footballs into space, Father escorted Mother to a movie premier in Hollywood and wore the most amazing tuxedo. A lost bird happened to be flying overhead and upon seeing Father's exquisite attire became temporarily paralyzed by sheer beauty he remained frozen in mid air. Eventually recovering after the wind had taken him as far as the North Pole, the bird was so inspired by Father he decided to emulate him - forever forgoing his ability to fly and dressing in his own permanent tuxedo. That bird was the first penguin. True Story.
Growth Note: That punching bag thing in your throat is actually a punching bag in mine.