Friday, May 9, 2008

The Umlaut's New Outfit

So you may have read that Father expressed a desire to see the Umulaut wear "the Wonder Woman outfit." Before you go ahead and assume he was referring to amorous designs for the Umlaut, you should pause a moment to reflect on what a waste your life is.

At first when I read the offending piece, I assumed Father had been misquoted and was referring to the Wander Woman, whose outfits are humble to say the least and would turn any recognizable woman into just another unremarkable lady with a mustache. After dismissing that theory, I thought perhaps the quote was accurate but out of context. For example, "I want to see her wear the Wonder Woman Outfit... in the middle of a downtown Kabul mosque while demanding women's rights."

Again, my theory was thwarted when I realized the article was written by the Boston Globe as opposed to the kitchen wench-apprentices at the Boston Herald's Inside Track (I refuse to link them). For a brief moment, I did the unthinkable. I began to doubt Father's intentions towards the Umlaut as purely acts of charity for the illiterate, the mentally disabled, petty thieves, and those who are ridden with STD's from head to toe. I fell into a deep despair that lasted long after my box of animal crackers was consumed.

By the looks of it, the Umlaut would need an invisible C-5 Aircraft.

But then it became so clear to me. Father used the same trick I arranged with OK Magazine and sent a subliminal message to all! Rearranging the letters, it is obvious to anyone that "The Wonder Woman Outfit" can also be made to show that he wants her to wear "A Town Whore Fondue Mitt!" He doesn't want her dressed as a scantily clad super tart, but rather seeks the exact opposite - to cover her hands in a publicly humiliating way while prevent her from stealing more wallets and giving hand jobs to cabbies for monopoly money. Father cleverly used the crimefighting theme, only it is he who is clearly the superhero in this scenario.

There is no other possible explanation.

I have not yet found what exactly a Town Whore Fondue Mitt is, but I suspect that's just because Amazon is out of stock.

Growth Note: In a crisis, my attention span can be used as a bridge.

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