Friday, February 6, 2009

Franchise Fake: Take My Umlaut, Please

I came across an interesting post today at Musket Fire. I have alerted the editor to the offending typo (reprinted below)

I believe there is a serious typographical error in this post, sir. You accidentally wrote "if QB Tom Brady will be healthy enough to play..." when you actually meant, "when QB and Son of the Gods Tom Brady returns from his sabbatical, to dominate the '09 season..."

Yes, that looks much better. And for the record, the Patriots did not franchise Matt Cassell. Father placed the franchise himself, so that Cassel and I can spend some working on his spiral. I've been throwing a perfect rope through bank-vault quality steel since birth, while this dude can barely break drywall. Unacceptable.

Plus, we found $14 million in the Umlaut's purse the other day, so you know, finder's keepers.

What I neglected to include was that in placing the franchise himself, Father gained an impressive bargaining position by adding in a secret term unreleased to the media - a team may either take on Cassel in exchange for two first round draft picks (by rule) OR said team has the option of keeping their picks and instead assume the burden of the Umlaut. The idea of not having to carry this wench around anymore is priceless to me.

Our daily trip to the STD clinic to rid the
Umlaut of her previous evening's exploits!


Naturally, we have yet to discuss how one assumes that burden, or how a transfer will be made (a burlap sack I imagine). In part because our conversations with interested teams immediately sour upon this proposition and they offer up even more draft picks instead. Our genius plan to rid us of the Umlaut backfired, I admit. Presently the current secret offer for Cassel is every draft pick ever (Lions), and Father is tempted to take it, I imagine. But our motivation is truly to spirit the Umlaut away forever and Detriot is unsure if they can convert Cassel into a WR.

Growth Note: My nose is not just perfectly centered on my face. It is the exact center of the universe.

3 comments:

Tammy said...

You are too funny.

GJ said...

"$14 million in the Umlaut's purse"

Dreamboat Baby are you saying she stole Cassel's wallet too? Has she done Kraft yet? Oh, do tell us more!

jkelsofarrell said...

So nice to see you back on the blog!