Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Here Doggie Doggie

You may have seen this recent article where the Umlaut has much to say on Father, myself, and her fucking dog. Needless to say, the Umlaut is incorrect on almost all accounts. It makes me wonder if that One Ring I forged is on the fritz.

Anyway, let me correct the record.

First, I am no one's stepson. Other than being my father's son, I belong to no one, especially someone who loudly claps at traffic lights when they change colors.

"Oohhh! It changed a color! Does that one mean never stop? How do it know?"

Secondly, as to the cutesy note about how I give her dog blueberries, may I remind you that this mutt got a freaking Dolce & Gabbana collar to wear down the aisle. You know what she tried to give me? Take a look:GUH. This is the kind of depressing outfit that even Marshall's refuses to sell out of respect for their impoverished customers' dignity. Luckily I had a backup suit - of the birthday variety - that I morphed into a sweet Armani number that really accentuated my calves. Oh you didn't know I could morph my skin? Good God people. You are going to make me work when I am ruler of all, aren't you?

Anyway, yes I give her precious little whore dog blueberries first. It makes the milkbones soaked in ricin go down faster. One problem is that the sound of the milkbone box opening means they both come running. It seems after years of consuming nothing but men's genitals, the Umlaut's palette is well... less than discriminating. What I'm trying to say is she is a she-goat.

Finally, you my have noticed that I have yet to determine what the Umlaut will be called in relation to me. "StepMom" does not work. This is your opportunity to greatly please me - your future King of Kings - by voting for which title the Umlaut shall have in the comment section.

StealthMom
StepWhore
StepWench
WhoreBag
SheWitch

If you can do better, please suggest your own. If you DO come up with something better, I will be impressed and then smite you down for your arrogance and insolence. So there's that.

Growth Note: My sneezes create parallel universes.

12 comments:

Liz said...

I like Douchewazzle. If you insist on two caps (as your previous list suggests) than DoucheWazzle may be more appropriate.

Pro-Hat Party said...

StepWench has a nice Cinderella feel to it. I support StepWench

Two said...

I like Stepslut. I cannot take credit for it.

GJ said...

We refer to her as Mrs. GiSlut Buttchin so perhaps you want to call her StepSlut. Did she give you that doll to hold to prepare you for some future half-siblings?
Also, you could add some castor beans to lettuce and serve it to her as a salad.

ST said...

I vote for stepslut. It fits since she is trying to take advantage of all the media hype to stick it to Jack's mama once again.

jkelsofarrell said...

WhoreBag is nice and to the point, but I really like StealthMom because then she sounds like a government experiment that went haywire and had to be put down by Steve Guttenberg in a bowling alley.

GJ said...

I've changed my mind, don't call her Step anything or Mom...call her what she is MediaWhore.

Little Miss English Teacher said...

I'm against StealthMom ... it makes her sound like someone that could be awesome, and we all know that she is not!

WhoreBag works for me.

kma35han said...

Hey Dreamboat Baby,

I vote for StepWench!

GJ said...

Dear Future King of Kings,


Were you so upset at wedding #2 that you were spitting bullets? What did you tell the Costa Rica police when they interviewed you?

jkelsofarrell said...

Umlaut is pregnant. Will this offspring be as great and powerful as you?

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