Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Good News

Just as I thought, father let it be known he is excited to rear me. Though if my calculations are correct, there will not be much more for him to do beyond what he has done already. I have received several commitments from top 14 law schools and at least 3 are considering early-admittance, though some negotiation will be required as I have certain needs to be addressed. No, I did not say I am special needs. Quite the contrary. No, fuck YOU, you lummox.

I am pleased to see The Umlaut gained 14 lbs in a transparent attempt to look pregnant and compete with mother. Mother, whose beauty rivals Aphrodite herself, will not gain a single pound while she carries me to term because I am suspended in such a way that renders me weightless. Think of the force that pushes two magnets away from each other. Now in this case that force is called The Radiant Beauty of the Kings and Queens of Camelot. Because this beauty both comprises mother's womb, and permeates every cell of my developing body, I am suspended in a cocoon of magnificence, in total and safe suspense, while mother feels not a pang of pain nor additional weight. Also, my lungs don't work yet and I breathe (basically) liquified oxygen like the Ed O'Neill in The Abyss, which is so kickass.

Growth note: My eyes are wetter and softer than a baby Panda under a rainbow on its birthday.

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