Sunday, February 25, 2007

Holy F*ck, I have X-Ray Vision

Engrossed in my studies, I went to dip my quill into the inkwell without looking, knocking it over and spilling ink everywhere (all over my new custom placental tile! Argh). Cleaning it up, I noticed I could see through my skin and read the text of my latest scientific study, "Autistic or Emiciated: A Behavioral Investigation of Thieving Brazilian Models - Famine Induced Kleoptomania or Just Retarded? I could read it all. Holy fuck you guys, I have X-Ray vision.

I know at this stage a fetus may have transparent or translucent skin, but I assure you I defy all convention - what with my genetic perfection and all - that this shit is for real. My power is so strong that I can't stop seeing through myself. You think the Gerber Baby could've done anything like this at 14-17 weeks? You bet your chapped ass he couldn't.

I have no X-Ray vision, but I can crap strained carrots all day!
(That's what I think the baby would say!)

So with awesome power, comes awesome responsibility. I'm beginning to keep a journal on my new powers and possible uses for them and shall return to this theme every now and then as my brain fully forms and other powers come into play. At this time, how can I best use X-Ray vision during my life? So far, here's what I've got:

Use the ability to see through walls to see explosive devices. This initially sounds like a good idea, but it would require me to be everywhere at once. To be fair, there will come a day where I literally am everywhere at once, but that is for another discussion. I think I will do this as more of a hobby and leave it to law enforcement and Superman.

Identify weakness and illness in people's bodies. Instead of submitting a patient to an often humiliating X-Ray or MRI session, I could just stand there and tell them what I see. Like seeing through walls to identify bombs, this could get very time consuming on a case by case basis. I would lean towards this, but to tell you the truth - hospitals smell like pudding and old people. And that is not the kind of environment I am looking for. Would you want a magic X-Ray baby to be grumpy and uncomfortable while it searches for illness? I think not my friends, I think not.

Spy for the Government. This seems like it would have the most large scale impact for the investment, but why would I do it at all when I will rule all Government in 2011?

Look through the earth's crust to the other side. That's more for geologists and hippies tripping on mescaline.

Look through offensive and defensive lines to spot the open receiver downfield. Now we're talking. This will be perfectly conmplimented by my dual future abilities of throwing a football through the offensive and defensive line players, and then healing them by laying my hands upon them. That's why father wears gloves when playing in the cold. He does not want to assist his opponents injuries and chills by letting the mere touch of his hand warm them and heal them. No, that would not make sense at all.

I will study the issue further, and report back if I come to any conclusions. I shan't be too hasty about this, because I could certainly do all of these things. Eye development and X-Ray vision is very serious business. I wonder when I will be able to shoot lasers out of my eyes. Cause that will be fucking rad.

Growth Note: I can translate the Dead Sea Scrolls and Zippy the Pinhead. Both are hilarious and ironic.

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